How to Know when you are Really
in Love?
Jim Davis
Jerry Jenkins in his book, Families, told a story about himself
when
he was in high school. He remembered the first time he fell in love.
He was ripe for it. It was the summer before his junior year in high
school. He had had girl friends, someone to walk to class or
talk
on the phone to. Until his parents threatened him with the bill.
But
he had not been in love.
A family moved to town, and somehow he was enlisted
to help them
move in. Their daughter, who just had
to be in college, was a leggy,
fresh-faced, quick smiling girl who loved to talk and listen
and
looked you right in the eyes, especially if she thought
you were in
college too. It emerged that they were the same age.
Fifteen. She would be a high school classmate.
The first time they shared a ride home from a church activity
and
held hands, he was smitten. What a boon to self-confidence!
A girl
everyone could see was a knockout was "going" with him!
For days
he could think of nothing or no one else. He doodled her
name, found
reasons to call her, wrote her notes, hung around with her.
He said, "The night we'd sat holding hands in the car for all
of
six or seven minutes was heavenly. He said that was
better than
any athletic success he'd ever had!
He said it was fun while it lasted, and remains a harmless memory.
But
here's the problem with his all-too-common story: being in love
is not
love.
"I know it's love," you say.
"I think about her all the time; I get butterflies
in my stomach; I can't eat: I can't sleep;
my heart pounds anytime she's near -- of course it's
love!
What is real love? How do you know when you have it? How can
you tell if the other person really loves you?
As we search the scriptures to discover what love really is, some of
the precepts may sound silly to you. True love is so foreign
to the modern counterfeit. You may be tempted to reject it as unreal,
unless your are convinced that God is wiser than you are.
What Is Real Love?
There are different kinds of love. It is essential that
we recognize
the different kinds of love.
There is an erotic love. The Greeks called it Eros.
This love has to do with physical sexual love, it is usually tied
to the emotions.
Erotic love is a passionate love which desires the other for
itself. Someone defined it as sensual intoxication set to a frenzy.
Plato said, that
it was "an ecstasy which transports man beyond rationality."
We have
heard the saying that love is blind. If you retain your common
sense, you
do not have a real case of erotic love.
Erotic love can be mistaken for true love. Have you ever
wondered
why one your friends likes a particular person. You ask yourself, "What
could he possibly see in her?" Actually, he is unable to see anything
in her. He is blind. Everybody knows it except him.
If you think for a moment, you will probably recall many incidents
like this.
How do you keep this from happening to you?
This is why the
Bible teaches us to postpone a physical
erotic relationship
until other relationships develop. Erotic love may
very well set
in with the first kiss.
There are men who buy Playboy Magazine and they fall
in love with
the playmate of the month. They may stand
around and talk
about the loveliest playmate of the year. One falls
in love with
Ms. June. But what does he know about Ms.
June other than what he sees in the
centerfold? Nothing? It is an erotic love? It is blind. She
may be the most miserable person on earth. She may have the ability
to
make anyone she lives with the most miserable person on earth.
People of our world go at love backwards. First there must be a physical
attraction, then they try to develop friendship.
But physical love blinds. If we become blind as soon
as physical love sets in how are we going to have a level head to
pick a mate.
To illustrate, suppose you are planning to go out one night.
The power company calls and informs you that the lights
will be turned off in fifteen minutes. You need to choose
socks to match your clothes. Would
you want to make your choice before or after the lights go out?
Likewise, if you want to be sure you have true love for a person,
when
do you need to decide? Before the lights go out.
As soon as physical
love sets in, the lights go out.
As cold and unromantic as it may sound love is not a feeling
or even a state of being. The first time Jerry Jenkins fell in love,
what or whom was he in love with? He thought he loved the girl.
He didn't know the girl! She looked great, and she smiled
a lot. He didn't even know whether he liked
what she said as much as that she said it to him. He
was in love with being in love.
This is not to say that you would not have this kind
of feeling for
someone you are about to marry or are married to. But erotic
love
would not be the basis of the relationship.
Erotic love isn't a lasting love. It is around long enough
to make
babies but not long enough to see them grown.
There is also a love that intimate friendships
enjoy. It was called "phileo" by the Greeks,
but is more commonly known to us today as "philia." "Phileo"
is the root word from which we derive the
word philanthropy. Webster's dictionary defines it as "goodwill to
fellowmen especially active effort to promote human welfare."
It is when you enjoy the company and fellowship of
another person
you like. It may be someone of the same sex or the opposite sex.
It is with people with whom you enjoy doing things together--other
than making out? It is with people with whom we
enjoy working together, talking about important things
together, discussing spiritual things together, and
playing together? People with whom we
have common
interests.
It is the kind of love that we have for our family members. Yet, it
is a love that can fade over time. It may fade when husband and wife
develop different interest. It may fade when age creeps upon us and our
attitude and disposition changes due to health problems.
Sometimes husbands,
wives, and children stick a person in the nursing home and forget
them. While it is true that "philia" describes the highest kind of human
love, it is also true that the light of this kind of love can
flicker and go out; losing its warmth, it can grow cold.
It amazes me when I see many today who live together for
10 years but
they have not married. Seemingly they have Eros, an erotic attraction
to each other. They enjoy companionship and have much in common.
Yet
the couple is unable to make a long term commitment.
There is another world philander which means making love to someone
with whom marriage is impossible (because of an existing marriage)
or with no intention of proposing marriage; to have many love affairs.
(Webster).
There is another kind of love. It is the kind of love that
God has for man and man's Christian love for his fellow man. This
kind of love is called "agape" in the New Testament.
This is a word born within the bosom of revealed Christianity.
Agape was a new word to describe a new quality, a new attitude
toward others, a new goal to seek. This love is a self-sacrificing love.
It must be the foundation upon which the other loves are built. Agape in
its purest form, is of God. It is the selfless love that Christ manifested
in his life and on the cross.
Christian love differs from human love in that it is not
a reaction of the heart or the hormones. It is not something we fall
into without any control, it is not involuntary. It is not something which
simply happens and we cannot help it. Agape is something
into which we must will ourselves. It is a conquest
and an achievement, a goal deliberately set and sought. It
is a victory won over self. It is an exercise of the
total personality.
The ancient world thought (and the world still thinks!) that only he
who is deserving of love can be loved. Aristotle insisted that for
a man to expect to be loved, when there was nothing in him
to arouse affection, was ridiculous. Plato said that love is for the lovely.
The distinguishing quality of Christian
love is its willingness, ability, and even obligation,
to love the unlovely and the unlovable, to seek man's highest
good quite independently of what the man is, is doing,
or has done! In agape the idea of merit on the
part of the beloved is not present. The ultimate aim of Christian
love is to produce the love which springs from a pure
heart, a good conscience, and a genuine faith.
1 Timothy 1:5 says, "The goal of this command is love, which comes
from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith."
This kind of love is not a matter of emotions. It is something we should
have for all people, though, of course, we should
have it to a much greater degree for the one we marry. You may think that
this is not what you are interested in. You are interested
in romantic love for a
particular person. But unless you have agape as a foundation,
the other loves will not last.
Marriage will only stand the storms and stresses of life if
it's built on the proper foundation. Most people
today build a relationship on erotic love as the foundation.
What happens when the passions subside? Usually the marriage cannot
endure the storms that are sure to come. A couple discovers too
late that true love cannot be built upon erotic emotions
that erode with time.
I remember a couple of young adults who were married. There
was a
big wedding all the trimmings. But the marriage only lasted for
a couple of months. Their love wasn't a permanent love.
How Do You Know When You Have It?
How do you know when you have true love? What is involved in true
love? Agape is something that can be seen only as it acts.
First Corinthians 13 tells us the characteristics of true love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says, "Love is patient, love is kind.
It does
not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It
is not rude, it is
not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no
record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the
truth. It
always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always
perseveres. Love
never fails."
Applications of these verses to everyday life are limitless.
In this
lesson I can only suggest a few.
Christian love requires patience. Suppose a boy says to
a girl, "I love you so much I can't wait until we are through school. Let's
drop out and get married now." This is not true love. If he really loves
her, he will say, "I love you so much that I want the very best for
you. I want our children to have educated parents.
I wouldn't think of ruining our chances by getting married
now."
The Bible gives an example of this kind of love. Genesis 29:20 says,
"So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel but they seemed like only a
few days to him because of his love for her."
Are you and your true love patient with each other? Are you each patient
with other members of your families? It may be possible
for you to be patient with each other under the rather
artificial circumstances of
dating. But if you are not patient now at home, you will not
be patient
in marriage after the original excitement wears off.
Love keeps at it. Paul says, "Love always
perseveres." A persevering patience is seen
here. It perseveres over time
and difficult
circumstances. To paraphrase the
Apostle Paul's statement from
Philippians 3:14-15: "I'm not perfect yet, but I press on. I forget
what is behind and focus on what is ahead, and I press on."
Paul says something else closely
associated with patience and
perseverance; "Love is not easily angered."
When we get tired of patiently enduring we usually become angry.
Anger leads us to rudeness, and many times keeping score of the wrongs
done. Paul says that "love keeps no score of wrongs."
Love is kind. True love leads a person
to say the kind thing, to perform the
thoughtful deed.
When Abraham's servant went to his home country to find a wife for
Isaac he looked for a kind person. In Genesis 24:14 he asked
God, "May
it be that when I say to a girl, `Please let down your
jar that I may have a drink,' and she says, `Drink, and I'll water
your camels too'-- let her be the one you have chosen for your servant
Isaac. By this I will know that you have shown kindness to my master."
The high cost of loving. We become vulnerable when we
love people and go out of our way to help them. That's
what the wealthy industrialist Charles Schwab declared
after going to court and winning a nuisance
suit at age 70. Given permission by the judge to speak to the
audience, he made the following statement: "I'd like to say
here in a court of law, and speaking as an old man, that nine-tenths
of my troubles are traceable to my being kind to others. Look,
you young people, if you want to steer away from
trouble, be hard-boiled. Be quick with a good loud 'No'
to anyone and everyone. If you follow this rule, you will seldom
be bothered as you tread life's pathway. Except--you'll have
no friends, you'll be lonely, and you won't have any fun!"
Love conquers selfishness. The two cannot co-exist.
Kindness feels what others feel; it shares the joys and
sorrows. Kindness is active and practical--meeting others'
needs. It is love with shape and form, living side-by-side with friendship,
hospitality, and helpfulness, expressing love, understanding, patience,
compassion and forgiveness.
Paul says, "Love is not self-seeking." Real love puts the
happiness of the other first. Couples who adopt the every
man for himself approach end up feeling like married strangers.
A person may say, "I am sick of giving
without getting anything in return. From now on, I'm looking out for my
own needs." Words like
these indicate a relationship or a marriage is in serious trouble.
Love does not demand its own way. (Does not
pursue selfish advantage. Love expresses appreciation. Always
affirm even imperfect service with verbal appreciation.
You can only do this if you remember whom you are serving. The least
you do for you do for your husband or wife, you are doing for Jesus.
In contrast, Christ calls us to sacrificial
love. Such love places another's needs and desires ahead of one's
own. The wonder of it all is that when both spouses concentrate on
meeting their mate's needs, each will find his or her own needs
being met.
Love is not too good to serve anyone.
By His words, Jesus
called all creation into being, yet He did not hesitate to kneel and
wash the dirty feet of a fisherman.
In his book Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis wrote,
"Do not waste your time bothering whether you love' your neighbor;
act as if you did. As soon as we do this, we find
one of the great secrets. When you are behaving
as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him. If
you injure someone you dislike, you will find yourself disliking
him more. If you do him a good turn, you will find yourself
disliking him less."
Love doesn't always result in blessing. Sometimes
a spouse can serve an unresponsive mate for years, even decades,
without a word or act of blessing in return. Will you
hang in there regardless?
A newspaper reported a case involving a woman who had gone for advice
to a local marriage guidance service. She
complained that her
husband seemed to be growing cold toward her, and she feared
she
had lost his affection. When the man was privately
interviewed by the
counselor, however, he spoke very highly of his wife. He even produced
a diary from his pocket in which he had written just a few days
before, "I
have the best wife on earth--bless her!" The adviser looked at
him in amazement and said, "Man, what's the use of keeping
your love locked up in pages of a book? Why don't you show her how much
she means to you!" "Oh," said the crest-fallen husband, "I thought
she knew!" The counselor reminded him that the Bible
admonishes us to demonstrate our affection" in deed and in truth."
Love is both action and attitude.
Paul says, "Love is not envious, boastful, proud,
or rude. Beware of becoming the type of person who performs
acts of service, but betrays a wrong attitude by
grumbling, complaining, or constantly calling attention to every sacrifice.
A man once said, "Love is not love if it alters
when it alteration
finds." He was commenting on the response of a young wife to her husband
who had come home from the war. The soldier,
severely wounded, had extensive facial disfigurement and was missing
two limbs. Yet she warmly welcomed him back and would not think of leaving
him.
Love accentuates the positive. It will be easier to serve
your spouse if you focus on his or her strong points. You'll discover
what a wonderful person you married!
How can you tell if the other person really loves you?
True love endures. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13:6-7
"Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with
the truth. It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres."
A 104-year-old California man and
his 96-year-old wife recently celebrated 80 years of marriage. She had been
a 16-year-old "child
bride" in a marriage the families had arranged.
They had no dating period - no chance to "fall in love" by today's
standards. So many
things were against them. Yet they raised five children,
survived the Great Depression, and lived to see a day
when nearly half
of all marriages end in divorce. How in the world did they
do it? They did it the same way other members of their generation
did it. They stayed together on the basis of values
that are different from those shared by most newlyweds today. For them, love meant commitment "till
death
us do part." What happened to those old values? Have we
found better ideals, better principles of relationships,
deeper insights, and better
understanding? If so, why do so many people
live with the regret of broken marriages, broken homes, broken families, and broken promises?
An enduring love says, "Until death do we part, for
better for worse, for richer for poorer." This is an unconditional
love. A lady ask to write her own vows for her
wedding. The vows she wrote indicated that the couple
would be married to each other "as long as our love shall last."
That seems a little tentative.
God's love is unending. It has no conditions.
It is unlimited. One
cannot outstretch the bounds of God's love. It is an eternal
commitment.
