Solving
Interpersonal Conflict James R. Davis
Conflict is an inevitable part of living. Too
often homes, congregations, and the brotherhood are town apart by strife
and contention. Resolution and prevention of interpersonal conflict is
of utmost importance because it can destroy our relationship with God.
(Matthew 5:21-24; 1 Peter 3:7; 1 John 3:15-18; 4:20) Christianity has to
do with man's relationships with others. It is no wonder that the Bible
has more to say on this subject than it does on another subject. Jesus
said, "Therefore if you bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest
that thy brother hath aught against thee; Leave there thy gift before the
altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come
and offer thy gift." (Matthew 5:23-24) Jesus said again, "Moreover if thy
brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between
thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother."
(Matthew 18:15) An understanding and application of the wisdom revealed
in these verses would do much in resolving the majority of the Christian's
interpersonal conflicts.
Communication is Essential
The importance of keeping lines of communication
open is readily understood by nations that spend millions each year sending
ambassadors to one country or another. Communication is no less important
on an interpersonal level.
Both parties involved in conflict have a responsibility
to communicate with each other. Jesus said, " . . . if thou . . . rememberest
that they brother hath aught against thee . . . go thy way . . . be reconciled
top thy brother." (Matthew 5:23) This verse teaches that the one who did
the offending, the offender has an obligation to communicate to the one
offended. If the brother has aught against you, then you have offended
him. Matthew 18:15 says, " . . . if thy brother shall trespass against
thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone . . . " Jesus
indicates that the one that is offended also has a duty to communicate
to the offender. There can be no stalemate. One is not to wait on the other
to make the first move. Both are responsible for making the first overture
in reconciliation.
The wisdom of both parties taking the initiative
cannot be over emphasized. The offender may not know that his words or
actions have offended one. Thus, one can perceive the wisdom of the Lord
in placing the responsibility upon both parties. It is easy for one to
sit back and say, "Well, he owes me an apology." In so doing, one places
all the responsibility on the other party while shunning his own. If one
does not know that he has offended, then an explanation nor repentance
will be forthcoming and ill will prevails . . . not necessarily because
of the offender, but because the offended neglected his responsibility.
Demonstration of Love Essential
Man sinned in Eden erecting a barrier between
himself and God. (Genesis 2:17) Since Eden, God has taken the initiative
to destroy that man-made barrier. He has sought to reconcile man to himself
through the cross. (Ephesians 2:16) man's sin also erected barriers between
himself and his fellowman. Christ died to destroy those barriers also.
(Ephesians 2:12-22) The love of God and Christ compelled them to seek to
destroy those barriers that men had erected. Surely the same God-like love
must compel us to take the same initiative in tearing down those barriers
that exist between themselves and others as a result of sin. In patterning
one's love for fellowman after God's love for man, one would be compelled
to seek reconciliation with even those who hated him. (Matthew 5:43-48;
Romans 5:8,10; 2 Corinthians 5:19-21)
A demonstration of godly love on the part of the
offender and the offended would do much in resolving interpersonal conflict.
When the offender takes the initiative he is saying by his actions, "My
love for you will not allow our relationship to be destroyed by my words
or actions." The initiative on the offended's part is saying, "My love
for you will not allow anything you have said or done to me personally
destroy our relationship." Prevailing attitudes such as these would do
much in resolving interpersonal conflicts.
Confidentiality Essential
Interpersonal conflicts must be kept very personal
for the benefit of all. Jesus said, " . . . tell him his fault between
thee and him alone . . . " (Matthew 18:15) it is very tempting to tell
others to get sympathy or supporters for our cause. The proper love for
another would demand that one not tell others. It would save embarrassment
on the part of both the offender and the offended.
Things are not always what we perceive them to
be. (Mark 4:12) If our perception of a situation is wrong and we tell others
before confronting the person involved, then we have dealt a grave injustice
in regards to the truth and the one involved. How many times have people
said, "Oh, if I only had a chance to explain." A distorted perception may
cause one to see a problem that does not exist. If publicized, one is guilty
of telling something that is not true and iniquity abounds! Confidentiality
would save trouble and embarrassment for all.
A story was rumored that a Christian brother was
seen with a woman other than his wife. The rumor grew and caused much contention
in the congregation where he worshipped. When the facts were finally revealed,
it was learned that his look-alike twin from out of town was seen with
his own wife. How important it is for one to get the facts straight!
There is much wisdom in keeping interpersonal
conflict confidential. Such a practice would prevent gossip, more misunderstanding,
more hurt feelings, dissension, and strife among family, friends, and brethren.
Too many times we are guilty of getting things blown out of proportion
by those who do not understand all the facts surrounding the circumstance.
Conclusion
The Christian's relationship with God is a two-way
relationship. One cannot be in step with God and out of step with one's
fellowman. (Matthew 5:21-24)
