Rearing Honorable Children
Exodus 20:12
Jim Davis
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. We must do something about Grandfather," said the son. I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor. So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food out of when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work. The words so struck the parents that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
Children are remarkably perceptive. Their eyes ever observe; their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb. If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives. The wise parent realizes that every day the building blocks are being laid for the child's future. Let's be wise builders and role models. "Life is about people connecting with people, and making a positive difference" Take care of yourself, and those you love, ...today, and everyday!
God has placed a high value upon the home because he knows that what we become in life, good or bad, is influenced by the home. This commandment is important for children, parents and society.
"When it comes to rearing children, every society is only 20 years away from barbarism. Twenty years is all we have to accomplish the task of civilizing the infants who are born into our midst each year. These savages know nothing of our language, our culture, our religion, our values, our customs of interpersonal relations. The infant is totally ignorant about communism, fascism, democracy, civil liberties, the rights of the minority as contrasted with the prerogatives of the majority, respect, decency, honesty, customs, conventions, and manners. The barbarian must be tamed if civilization is to survive." (Albert Siegel, Stanford Observer)
The debates over "heredity" or "environment" are nonsense if we don't accept our responsibility as parents. Politicians can't change the future. Institutions can't change the future. Godly parents can change the future however!
Children are the only things that parents can take to heaven with them. (Billy Graham)
Children Need Guidance
The modern day parental philosophy is that we are not going to teach our children what to be or believe. We seek to rear them so that they can decide whatever it is they want to believe or be. We want our children to decide whether they want to go to church or not go to church. So many parents don’t want to influence their children one way or another for fear of stifling their personalities. Parents may think that they actually don’t know what is best for the children. They may think the child will decide what is best at the proper time.
Parents often seek to rear their children in a vacuum as they try to rear them without having any undue influence upon their lives. A vacuum is created as we suck all the air out of a container and seal the container. We vacuum pack foods in a vacuum to protect them from outside contaminants. However, if a hole is punched in the container air is sucked back into the container. You often hear air sucked into a vacuum packed container as you punch a hole in it. Sometimes we may think that our children’s brains are encased in a vacuum. We may believe that at a certain stage the vacuum is broken and their brains suck whatever information they need in and they automatically become whatever it was they were meant to be. We may think that nature will fill their brains with whatever it is that they need when the vacuum is broken.
There are three stages of obedience that each of us must navigate successfully in order to become a stable adult: enforced obedience, willful obedience and mutual obedience. All of us go through each stage of obedience. Parents must endeavor to lead their children through the initial stage of childhood obedience so that they can successfully navigate children into healthy adulthood.
Enforced obedience is the stage where the parent knows what is best for the child. Babies come into the world crying for what they need, but as they grow older they must learn more mature ways to fill their needs. Parents are responsible for leading the child through a period of enforced obedience to teach them what is right and wrong.
Enforced obedience is the first stage of obedience. Solomon emphasizes the parent’s important responsibility to guide the child through the first stage of enforced obedience. Solomon says, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." (Proverbs 22:6 NIV) Paul emphasizes the need of the child to obey the parent. Paul says, "Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." (Ephesians 6:1)
Children must be led through a healthy stage of enforced obedience. You can’t rear children in a vacuum hoping that when the time comes they will fill the vacuum for themselves
Rearing children through the stage of enforced obedience is not always easy. Family vacations are wonderful times, but they do have their tedious moments. Dad, Mom, and the two boys were about 200 miles into their trip, when Dad had enough! "Ever since we left home," he said, "you boys have been picking on each other, yelling names and tearing up the back seat of the car. I am putting an end to this now!" He slammed on the brakes, pulled the car off to the side of the road, jerked his sons out and spanked them both soundly. "I don't want to hear one word out of either of you for 30 minutes," he shouted, "not one word!" The two boys sat still and quiet for at least 30 minutes until the youngest one meekly said, "Daddy, do you remember when you spanked me? Well, one of my shoes came off...!"
Enforced obedience is a period where the children learn the limits of behavior. They learn what is good and bad; what is right and wrong. Children must be guided through this stage of life to properly prepare them for the stage of willful obedience. This is not an easy stage to lead children through. When God put Adam and Eve in the garden, he gave them limits even though they were given all that they needed.
Willful ObedienceChildren will push against the restrictions placed by their parents to see if they move. If the restrictions move, our children lose their sense of security. Limits, though, need to be drawn in love and God is the one from which the limits come. If we set limits based upon our comforts, then it's selfish. But if the limits are set by the guidelines of the Lord, then it is God-honoring. If our child's will is not conquered by God, it will be conquered by sin and the Devil. Statistics show that children in Christian churches can't tell the difference from right and wrong. Psalm 11:3 says, "When the foundations are being destroyed, what can the righteous do?" If our children don't learn to live within limits now, when will they? Ted Koppel of Nightline, spoke a few years ago at a graduating class at Duke University. There he said, "In the place of truth, we've discovered facts; for moral absolutes, we've substituted moral ambiguity. We now communicate with everyone and say absolutely nothing. We've reconstructed the Tower of Babel and it is a Television antennae, a thousand voices daily producing a parody of democracy in which everyone's opinion is afforded equal weight regardless of substance or merit . . .What Moses brought down from Mount Sinai were not the 10 suggestions; they are commandments. Are, not were. The shear beauty of the commandments is that they codify in a handful of words acceptable human behavior, not just for then or now, but for all time." One Hollywood producer said, "Television scripts, to be successful, have to violate at least three of the Ten Commandments." The Devil wants to get us laughing at other people's sins and many people are laughing their way into hell. With television, there must be limits, as with all entertainment. "Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? (Proverbs 6:27) Teens must learn to respect their parents. Our society pushes teenagers to do just the opposite. Sitcoms portray parents as dim-witted incompetents and the children as the dispensers of common sense. Any and all parental restraints tend to be ridiculed and resisted as assaults on their individual freedom. Socially, it is expected that teens will not respect their parents. But it doesn't have to be that way. Teenage rebellion is not inevitable. It can be avoided entirely by parents investing themselves into building a close relationship with their kids.
When God became flesh he needed to go through the period of enforced obedience to bring him to a stage of willful obedience. Jesus obeyed his parents because they knew what was best for him. Thankfully, he had godly parents to guide him. When Jesus was thirteen, Luke 2:51 tells us that he continued to obey his earthly parents by placing himself under their authority.
Luke 2:41-52
Every year his parents went to Jerusalem for the Feast of the Passover. When he was twelve years old, they went up to the Feast, according to the custom. After the Feast was over, while his parents were returning home, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but they were unaware of it. Thinking he was in their company, they traveled on for a day. Then they began looking for him among their relatives and friends. When they did not find him, they went back to Jerusalem to look for him. After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers. When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, "Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you." "Why were you searching for me?" he asked. "Didn't you know I had to be in my Father's house?" But they did not understand what he was saying to them. Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. But his mother treasured all these things in her heart. And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men. (NIV)You can see from these scriptures that Jesus went through a period of enforced obedience. "When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, "Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you." Enforced obedience was for the purpose of teaching him what was expected of him. It was the period of enforced obedience that prepared him for willful obedience. "Why were you searching for me?" "Didn't you know I had to be in my Father's house?" But they did not understand what he was saying to them. Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them."
To give our children our parental blessing, we need to limit them as we lead them to a stage of willful obedience. Once a child enters the teenage years, the need for obedience continues.
Mutual Obedience
Enforced obedience is when we are told what to do. It is not a period where the child necessarily understands why he/she is being told what to do. In this stage of life the child must simply learn to do what he/she is told to do. It is a stage where discipline must be used wisely.
Willful obedience is a stage where, hopefully, less discipline will be required, as the child has learned the need for obedience. They willfully obey parents out of respect for parents. At this stage of life they may or may not understand what they are told, but they willfully obey.
Mutual obedience comes by successfully navigating through the first two stages of obedience. Mutual obedience is when the child and the parent understand what is best in a given situation and they mutually submit to what is required of each.
Most adults that do well with authority have had good experiences with enforced obedience and willful obedience. When parents abuse their authority, children will tend to distrust all authority. When parents fail to enforce obedience the child will grow up without an understanding of the importance of authority.
As parents, we represent the authority of God. When children are taught the proper respect for parents, they learn respect for God. God is the ultimate authority figure. This is why it is important that we model God’s love and authority in the right way.
Conclusion:
How well we do in leading our children through each stage of authority will dramatically determine how well they do in the next stage of obedience. When proper enforced obedience is used, 80% of the time parents will produce a healthy willful obedience in the child. Willful obedience in youth helps produce a healthy adult who can exercise authority and mutually submit to authority.
A soul rises or falls on how the first commandment is kept. A society rises or falls on what we do with the fifth commandment, for the basic unit of society is the family. If the family falls apart, society will fall apart.